


Never Go Against an Avenger When Pie Is on the Line

by Bk_Betty



Series: Tumblr Ficlet Challenge [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clint and Bucky are Overgrown Toddlers, Established Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Established Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Established Relationship, F/M, Ficlet, Gluttony, Humor, M/M, Pie Eating Contest, sniper bros, tumblr ficlet challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 06:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bk_Betty/pseuds/Bk_Betty
Summary: Clint and Bucky enter a pie eating contest. Steve and Natasha question why they're in love with two idiots. Sam is just here to laugh at all of them.





	Never Go Against an Avenger When Pie Is on the Line

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fifth ficlet for the Tumblr Ficlet challenge started by [Bear_shark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bear_shark/pseuds/Bear_shark) and [Parrannnah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parrannnah/pseuds/Parrannnah)! Head over to Tumblr to check out all the great ficlets from this challenge! 
> 
> **Prompt** : Gluttony

“This is the only way to prove which one of us is the superior human being,” Clint says as if their entire argument makes sense. 

Bucky is nodding enthusiastically as they make their way to the large tables set up on the slightly raised stage. 

Steve is trying his best not to smack Bucky against the side of his head. A quick glance at Natasha proves she is fighting the same impulse with Clint. 

“I’m still not sure how competitive pie eating proves any superiority,” Steve deadpans. 

Bucky stops short, turning and jamming his finger in Steve’s massive chest. “Clint already explained all of this! Weren’t you listening?” 

Steve hears Natasha let out an exasperated sigh, mumbling something in Russian under her breath. 

“Maybe his hearing is going in his old age,” Clint whispers to Bucky, both of them immediately dissolving into giggles. The Sniper Bros™ fist bump before making their way onto the stage. 

“I assume this is how kindergarten teachers feel at the end of the day,” Sam says. “Why did I let you talk me into coming along?”

“Because if we have to suffer, so do you,” Natasha snaps, irritation contorting her features. 

Looking around, she finds a table near the stage that meets her need to see all the exits. Steve chooses the seat that best hides him from the audience. He does not want his picture taken at the Eighth Annual Shove It Down Your Throat Pie Eating Contest. It’s bad enough Bucky and Clint’s faces will be all over social media as contestants. 

Sam plops down in between them, waving over a server and ordering beers for the table. “Yeah but I’m not sleeping with these two overgrown children. Why should I have to suffer because y’all have low dating standards?!”

Steve really doesn’t have a good comeback. Watching his husband put on a bib decorated with a dancing cartoon blueberry makes him regret ever putting Bucky’s dick in his mouth. 

Sam is staring at the stage in alarm as Bucky ties back his hair and Clint bounces in his seat. “I’m still a little fuzzy as to why they’re doing this,” he says, tearing his eyes away from the impending disaster. 

Natasha sighs even louder, covering her face with her right hand. “Apparently these идиот have been competing to determine, and I’m quoting here, ‘The Most Badass Avenger’. They’ve tied in marksmanship, plank holding, some weird parkour challenge Jarvis created and wrestling alligators. I really wish I was making up that last one.”

Sam busts out laughing, the beer he just sipped going all over the table. “And pie eating is supposed to be the tie breaker?” Sam asks as he wipes up the mess.

Natasha pinches the bridge of her nose, her will to live obviously slipping away. “Remind me again why we willing have sex with these two idiots?” 

“At least you didn’t marry your idiot. I’m clearly the biggest idiot out of all of us,” Steve replies, trying his best not to cry. 

Sam opens his mouth, probably about to agree, when a perky brunette bounds onto the stage. 

“Hello! Hello! And welcome to the Eighth Annual Shove It Down Your Throat Pie Eating Contest! We are thrilled to have not one but TWO Avengers among our contestants this year! Put your hands together for Bucky “The Pie Destroyer” Barnes-Rogers and Clint “I’ll Put Anything in My Mouth” Barton! I’m happy to report they came up with their own contest nicknames!”

At this point, Sam is halfway to the floor because he’s laughing so hard. Steve is not so subtly checking the divorce laws for New York state on his phone. And Natasha is staring daggers at Clint, more than likely willing him to spontaneously combust. 

The announcer introduces the other contestants before explaining the rules. “Brooklyn’s best pie shop, Four & Twenty Blackbirds has been kind enough to supply a ton of great pies for this contest! The rules are simple. If a contestant stops eating pie for 10 seconds, they are removed from the competition. The last person standing, or I guess in this case shoveling, is the winner! Now who’s ready to watch some serious fucking pie eating?!”

The audience roars, enthusiastic clapping and banging on tables mingling with the shouting of contestant names. Steve notices there’s a loud chant of “Pie Destroyer” coming from the back. 

“Great! Just what the idiot needs - more encouragement for his harebrained schemes,” Steve mutters. 

A recording of a squealing pig signifies the beginning of the competition. Steve and Natasha look on, faces a mix of horror, helplessness and sheer embarrassment. The mouth Steve loves so much is currently smeared with blueberries and pie crust, pie disappearing at a frightening pace. Somehow, Clint is keeping up as one by one, the other contestants are eliminated. 

Seven minutes into this gluttonous nightmare, Clint and Bucky are the only contestants still packing away the pie. The announcer is nervously eyeing the quickly dwindling supply of pies.

 _That’s what you get for allowing a super soldier and human trash compactor into a pie eating contest_ , Steve thinks to himself. 

At the twelve minute mark, the announcer is whispering urgently to Melissa Elsen, one of the owners of Four & Twenty Blackbirds. Melissa shakes her head vigorously, pointing at the six remaining pies and throwing her hands up. They both watch helplessly as the last of the pies go down Clint and Bucky’s throats. The audience is getting restless, chanting, “More pie! More pie! More pie!”

Clint and Bucky look up from their plates for the first time, their clothes and faces a mess of blueberries and crumbs. Steve notices, however, there isn’t one iota of shame between the two of them. The announcer makes her way to the stage, hands making a placating motion towards the audience. 

“Wow! I, uhmm, well we weren’t expecting such hungry contestants! I am sorry to say that “Pie Destroyer” and “I’ll Put Anything in My Mouth” have polished off the last of our pie supplies! For the first time in contest history, we have a tie!” 

The crowd, including Sam the Traitor, breaks out into an uproarious cheer as Bucky and Clint stand up and take a bow. Natasha and Steve glance over at each other with pained looks on their faces. 

“Awesome! Now this insanity has no end in sight,” Steve whines. 

“Not if we kill them and hide the bodies,” Natasha threatens. “Even if we somehow get caught, we can show the cops video of this abomination. They’d let us go in a second.”

“Murder isn’t always the answer, Nat,” Steve admonishes. 

She pointedly looks at their lovers, high fiving each other and doing an odd variation of the robot, then back to Steve.

“That’s because you’re asking the wrong fucking question, Rogers!”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me, and all the other fantastic writers doing the ficlet challenge on [Tumblr](https://brooklynbetty.tumblr.com/)!


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